I once worked with a lead who kept multitasking during our team meetings. He’d be typing or scrolling, and when it was his turn to speak, he often asked the team to repeat the question because he’d lost the thread. I gave him feedback more than once, but nothing changed. His replies were usually some version of, “Yes, but this was urgent,” or “Sorry, I just needed to sort something out.”
It’s a frustrating moment many of us know well. You offer feedback, but instead of an explorative dialogue you get a polite reason - and the same behavior again. The conversation goes in circles, your frustration builds, and you still don’t feel heard. Especially when it’s a pattern, it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop. And when that happens, our instinct is to push harder, which usually makes things worse.
From Dead End to Dialogue
In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we learn to hear the needs behind the words. When a “yes, but” comes up repeatedly, it’s a signal that there are deeper needs at play. The other person isn’t trying to be difficult. They likely want to be understood and have their experience acknowledged before they can truly listen to you.
If, for example, someone is consistently late and says, “Yes, but I’m so busy…,” the initial need could be wanting understanding after which, on a deeper layer, there could be needs surrounding support, work-life balance, or clarity on their priorities.
To break the cycle, you can shift from addressing the incident to getting curious about the underlying pattern. You move from persuasion, a battle of “I’m right, you’re wrong”, to one of shared exploration.
A Tale of Two Conversations
Let’s explore the following scenario: David is frequently late to various meetings and each time, he has a different, plausible reason. Maria, the team leader, wants to address the overall pattern.
Attempt 1: The Frustration Loop
Maria: “David, can we talk for a minute? I’m concerned about your lateness to meetings. It’s becoming a pattern, and it’s starting to impact the team.”
David: (Focuses on the most recent incident) “Oh, you mean this morning? Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. My client call ran 15 minutes over. It was completely unavoidable.”
Maria: “I understand, but last week it was the urgent report you had to finish, and the week before it was a tech issue with your laptop. It feels like there’s always a new reason.”
David: (Becoming defensive) “Look, these are all legitimate things. It’s not like I’m getting coffee. I’m a busy person, and things happen that are out of my control. I’m getting my work done, aren’t I?”
Maria: (Frustrated) “Your work quality isn’t the issue. The issue is that the team can’t rely on you to be present when we start. It’s a matter of respect for everyone else’s time.”
David: “I feel like you’re not hearing me. I’m juggling a dozen things and can’t just drop everything for every single meeting.”
This conversation goes off the rails because neither person is really listening. Maria is frustrated and just wants David to be on time, so she sees everything he says as another excuse. Meanwhile, David feels like he has good reasons for being late but isn’t being heard, which makes him get defensive. The pattern continues.
Attempt 2: The Dialogue Approach
Maria: “David, I want to check in about our meetings. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed you’ve been a few minutes late regularly. When that happens, I’m frustrated, because I want our meetings to run smoothly for everyone. How’s it been on your side?”
David: (Offers the specific reason for the day) “Yeah, I know. I am sorry about this morning. I was on a critical call with a client that I just couldn’t drop.”
Maria: (Acknowledges the specific, then pivots to the pattern with empathy) “I hear that today’s client call was critical, and I’m not questioning that. What I’m more curious about is the bigger picture. It seems like you’re often juggling priorities. That sounds like a stressful way to work. Is that how it feels for you?”
David: (Slightly surprised by the focus on his stress rather than his lateness) “Well, yes. That’s basically my life right now. It feels like I’m always running from one thing to the next. I don’t intend to be late, but things just pop up.”
Maria: (Goes deeper towards the root cause) “That does sound tiring. Maybe we could take a step back and look at how your schedule’s set up. It seems to put you in this spot repeatedly. What do you think is at the root of it?”
David: (Pauses and reflects) “It’s just that I have so many people pulling me into different meetings, asking for ‘five minutes.’ It feels like I’m drowning in requests, and it’s hard to keep up, let alone get ahead of it.”
Maria: “Thank you for sharing that. Sounds like you really value being responsible and contributing to your projects. And you’re struggling to find a way to honor all those commitments. Would you be open to brainstorming some different ways of handling that pressure?”
David: “That’s correct. And I’m definitely open, but I don’t yet see what can change…”
This is a breakthrough that wasn’t achieved in the first attempt. Where the first conversation ended in a frustrating impasse, this conversation has successfully moved past the frustration surrounding being late. By connecting with David’s underlying values of responsibility and contribution, Maria has helped create an initial, shared understanding of the situation. Instead of blame and defensiveness, they now have a collaborative foundation.
The next step is to respect the complexity they’ve uncovered. Rather than rush into a quick fix on the spot, Maria could now propose scheduling a separate, dedicated session. This would give them the time and space to properly map out the challenge, explore each other’s needs, and co-create meaningful, lasting solutions together.
This week, your practice is simply to listen for “yes, but…” - in meetings, in conversations with family, and even in your own self-talk. When you hear it, resist the urge to react or correct. Instead, silently ask yourself: “What need might be hiding behind that ‘but’?” Don’t worry about saying the right thing; just practice shifting your hearing from rebuttal to curiosity.
About Me & My Work
My name is James De Mulder, and I’m dedicated to helping teams and leaders transform conflict into connection through dialogue. The insights in this newsletter are the starting point. My work with organizations focuses on turning these principles into a shared practice through feedback training workshops. Interested? Simply send me a DM for a no-obligation chat, or find the training brochure here.
Call to Connection
Did this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your experience.