I still remember the first time I had to give feedback to a team member I truly liked. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to phrase the feedback kindly and how to explain that their work was affecting me and our team. When the moment arrived, I was nervous and wrapped the feedback in so many compliments and softening words that they walked away saying ‘okay, thanks,’ but their expression showed me they were completely unclear about what I actually wanted. In that moment, I had prioritized my own comfort over a clear and honest conversation. In trying to be “kind,” I ended up being confusing and ultimately unhelpful. This is a trap many of us fall into.
Clarity is the New Kindness
In our efforts to be kind and avoid hurting someone’s feelings, we often soften our feedback. We use gentle words, talk around the issue, or use the “shit sandwich*****.” We often do this because we’re afraid of harming harmony and connection with the other person.
The irony is that these attempts to soften the blow often do the opposite of what we intend. Verbose, vague feedback doesn’t land softly; it lands confusingly. When we obscure our message, we deny our colleagues the clear, specific observations that can contribute to their learning. True kindness lies in caring, clarity, and conciseness.
* Placing ’negative’ feedback between two, usually insincere, ‘positive’ statements.
An Example in Practice: From Vague to Valuable
Imagine a team member has been late submitting their part of a project, impacting your work. Here’s a common, verbose, and confusing approach:
“Hey, do you have a quick second? First off, I just want to say you’re doing an amazing job on this project; your creative ideas are great. I was just thinking… and please, this is a small thing… but I sense a slight workflow disconnect? It just creates a bit of a scramble for me later on, but it’s honestly not a big deal, and I can usually make it work. I just wanted to put it on your radar. Anyway, as I said, you’re doing fantastic work, definitely also keep doing what you’re doing!”
This feedback is a masterclass in confusion. The recipient likely walks away having no idea that their late submissions are causing a significant problem. Now, let’s transform it:
“I wanted to check in about the project timeline. I noticed that for the past two weeks, your updates have come in on Thursday afternoon instead of our agreed-upon Wednesday morning. When that happens, I have to rush my part of the work, and I’m concerned we risk missing our final deadline. Would you be willing to talk through your workflow with me? I’m wondering if there’s anything we can adjust to make the Wednesday deadline more manageable.”
Practical Actions for Delivering Clearer Feedback
To avoid being vague and move toward clarity, there are a couple of things we can do:
1. Prepare Your Message. The most important work happens before you speak. Take some time before giving the feedback to get clear on your own intention by distilling your core message.
- Identify the specific Observation (what you saw/heard), your Feelings (how it affects you – if relevant and fitting), and Needs (the impact), and a potential Request (a way forward).
- Connect to ‘Why It Matters’. Link your feedback to a larger, shared goal. This shifts the focus from a personal complaint to a contribution to the team’s success.
- Ditch the “Shit Sandwich”. Trust that your clear observation and positive intention are enough. Wrapping the essential feedback in compliments feels insincere and confuses your core message. If you genuinely want to share appreciation, either do it at a different time or create a separate thread that you close before moving on, so it can be fully received on its own.
2. Check for Willingness. Once you are clear on your message, your first words should be an invitation. Asking for permission creates immediate psychological safety and shows respect for the other person’s capacity to listen.
- “I have some thoughts on our project workflow that I think could be helpful. Are you open to hearing them?”
3. Share Clearly & Close for Dialogue. Having done the preparation and received a “yes,” you can now deliver your message clearly.
Share Your Prepared Message. Deliver your specific observation, the impact, and your request. Keep to your message and keep it short.
Closing for dialogue. End with curiosity to transform a monologue into a conversation. Simple phrases like
“How does this land with you?” or “What’s your perspective on this?” can make a difference.
These steps provide a way to be both honest and compassionate, helping us move from ‘performing’ kindness to genuinely practicing it. By choosing clarity, we demonstrate true respect for the other person and the relationship.
Invitation to Practice
This week, before you next plan to give feedback, take five minutes for preparation. Grab a notebook and write down just three things:
- The single, concrete Observation.
- The Impact it had on you (your feeling/need).
- A clear, collaborative Request.
You don’t even have to give the feedback yet. Just notice how the act of preparation changes your own sense of confidence and clarity.
About Me & My Work
My name is James De Mulder, and I’m dedicated to helping teams and leaders transform conflict into connection through dialogue. The insights in this newsletter are the starting point. My work with organizations focuses on turning these principles into a shared practice through feedback training workshops. Interested? Simply send me a DM for a no-obligation chat, or find the training brochure here.
Call to Connection
Did this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your experience.