After work, I slump onto the couch next to my (then) three-year-old daughter and half-watch a cartoon with her. On screen, a monkey and pig gather bananas and apples, then leave for lunch.
Enter the ‘villain’: a wolf who sneaks in, steals the fruits of their labor (pun intended)—or so we’re meant to believe—and makes off in a rowing boat, grinning.
Outraged, the monkey and pig retaliate by loading a slingshot with melon cannonballs and sink the wolf’s boat, cheering as the wolf struggles in the water. Justice is served.
At least, that’s the story the cartoon tells. But is it really justice? The wolf never gets a chance to explain. Maybe he had no other way to survive. Maybe he had starving wolf-babies to feed. Maybe he simply didn’t see another way of meeting his needs. None of that seems to matter—the message to my daughter is clear: wrongdoing is met with (violent) punishment, not dialogue.
That moment stuck with me. It gave a hint towards an answer to a question that had my interest: why is it so hard for organizations to have compassionate and effective feedback cultures?
We like to believe feedback is about learning and (collective) growth, but for many, most feedback simply feels like punishment. It’s often loaded with judgments and generalizations, and assumptions of right and wrong. Instead of seeking understanding, we correct. Instead of engaging in dialogue, we project frustrations. Like the monkey and pig, we believe our grievances justify retribution.
Feedback struggles aren’t just personal competence, they’re systemic, stemming from how we’re socialized, how organizations structure feedback systems, and how leaders’ model (or fail to model) these behaviors.
This article explores why feedback is so difficult, why organizations fail to create strong feedback cultures, and, most importantly, what we can do to change it.
The Deep Roots of Feedback Struggles: How We Are Socialized
From birth, we are judged.
My son was a few minutes old when doctors assigned him an APGAR score, which is a set of numbers measuring his breathing, heart rate, and reflexes. Of course, this serves a medical purpose, but the irony wasn’t lost on me. Welcome to the world, kid. From now on, you’ll be continuously measured and evaluated.
Children quickly learn their worth is tied to external judgment. Behavior is labeled as “good” or “bad,” and rewards or punishments follow. But these labels don’t tell kids what they actually did—or how they might grow. Instead of learning to reflect on their actions, they learn that success means pleasing authority figures, not necessarily understanding the impact of their behavior.
This sets the foundation for judgment-based communication, where the goal is not self-awareness or dialogue, but compliance. Children don’t learn to express emotions or discover each other’s needs; they learn to utter the right words to satisfy external expectations.
“Say you’re sorry to John for being mean and shake his hand.”
“But I’m not sorry.”
“Do you want to spend the rest of the break inside? Tell him you’re sorry.”
“I’m sorry, John.”
“John, now you tell him you’re sorry too.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Shake his hand… Good, now go along and play nicely."
On the surface, this looks like teaching accountability. However, the child isn’t encouraged to process what happened or explore how their actions affected someone else. Instead, they’re learning that saying the ‘right’ thing avoids punishment and lets them move on.
By the time we enter the workplace, this pattern is ingrained. Instead of asking, “How did my actions impact the team?” people think, “Did I say the right thing in that meeting?” Rather than improving collaboration, they focus on avoiding blame or uncomfortable conversations.
If we want a feedback culture where people learn and grow, we need to unlearn the idea that feedback is about saying the right thing or achieving compliance and start creating space for dialogue and a mindset of collaborative exploration.
We Don’t Know How to Express Emotions and Needs
As infants, we are exceptionally competent at expressing emotions and taking care of our needs. It’s instinctive: crying when hungry, smiling when soothed. When we’ve found the right strategy to meet our needs, we smile and signal that the emergency has been resolved. Baby happy, parents happy.
But as we grow, we’re taught the opposite. Instead of learning how to recognize and express what we truly feel or need, we learn to suppress emotions, follow social expectations, and avoid discomfort—especially when those emotions might cause conflict or inconvenience others.
Consider how emotions are often handled with children:
- A child cries: “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” (Minimizing their feelings instead of helping them process them.)
- A child is frustrated: “Go to your room until you calm down.” (Teaching them to handle emotions alone instead of learning to communicate them.)
- A child is scared: “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” (Dismissing their fear rather than addressing it.)
These small moments reinforce a lifelong pattern: emotions should be controlled, not experienced; expressing needs makes you difficult; staying quiet is safer.
By the time we reach adulthood, we don’t know how to express what’s going on inside us. Instead of identifying our feelings and communicating them clearly, we either:
- Suppress them (“It’s fine.” “Never mind.”)
- Express them in indirect or unhealthy ways (Passive-aggression, sarcasm, or shutting down.)
- Turn them into judgment (“You’re not listening!” instead of “I’m feeling deflated because I’m wanting to be heard.”)
And because we aren’t taught how to express or connect with our emotions, we also don’t learn how to connect to and express needs.
When people struggle with feedback, the problem is rarely that they don’t care. It’s that they were never taught to recognize their own emotions and articulate their needs in a way that leads to meaningful dialogue.
By adulthood, many of us struggle to articulate what’s bothering us or what we need. Instead of stating, “I feel frustrated because I need more transparency in our team’s progress. Can we have a check-in every Wednesday?”, we default to judgment: “You’re not a team player.” One approach opens dialogue. The other shuts it down.
Additionally, workplaces tend to reinforce the idea that emotions don’t belong at work. People are expected to be rational and ‘objective’, as if emotions don’t play a pivotal role in shaping our interactions. If we want better feedback, we need to normalize talking about what we feel and need—without guilt, shame, or fear.
We Don’t Know How to Make Clear Requests
It’s not surprising, then, that if we can’t connect to what’s going on inside of us and what we need, we don’t know how to ask others to meet our needs. Instead of making present, doable requests, we often:
- Make vague or abstract demands (“Take more ownership,” instead of “Can you update me on your progress for project x?”)
- Frame requests as complaints (“You never keep me in the loop,” instead of “Can you message me after the project meeting with your key takeaways?”)
- Expect people to ‘just know’ (“I shouldn’t have to tell you this,” instead of actually saying what’s needed.)
When feedback lacks an explicit request, the recipient must interpret expectations or assume failure.
In workplaces, this creates frustration, confusion, and resentment. People feel criticized but don’t know what to do differently. They might overcorrect in the wrong direction, ignore the feedback, or feel discouraged from trying at all.
Clear requests give feedback its power. A good request is:
- Present: Something the person can act on now.
- Specific: Concrete enough to avoid ambiguity.
- Doable: Within their ability to deliver.
Instead of saying, “You need to be a better listener,” try, “Can you pause for a few seconds after I speak before responding?”
Instead of, “I want more transparency,” try “Can you share a quick update on the outcomes of the project meeting at the start of the next team meeting?”
When we make specific, doable requests, feedback stops feeling like a complaint and starts feeling like a path forward.
“The intention of providing feedback is to contribute to another person’s capacity to support a shared purpose.” - Miki Kashtan
Psychological and Biological Barriers to Feedback
While we can learn aspects of feedback (like making observations and expressing/hearing feelings and needs) our ability to give and receive it is also influenced by deeper forces. Beyond socialization, the way our brains perceive the world impacts how we experience feedback, making it more than just a matter of logic or skill.
Feedback Can Feel Like a Threat to Safety
Our brains are wired for prioritizing survival over self-improvement. When we perceive a threat, which negative feedback can be to us, our amygdala—the brain’s threat detector—activates, triggering a fight-or-flight response. This makes us want to defend ourselves, shut down, or avoid the situation entirely.
Even well-intended feedback can be perceived as an attack if it touches on something we weren’t prepared to hear. That’s why people often react with justifications, silence, or defensiveness rather than curiosity. Because it’s not about whether the feedback is valid—it’s about whether our nervous system perceives it as safe.
The Pain of Feedback (Why It Feels Personal)
Neuroscientific research has found that social pain (the painful experience of actual or potential psychological distance from other people or social groups) shares similar, although not fully overlapping, neural pathways to physical pain [1]. When someone perceives social rejection, their brain may interpret it similarly to a physical threat. This neural overlap might help explain why people often resist experiences of social rejection.
And here’s the problem: workplace systems often reinforce this sense of threat.
- If feedback is only given in performance reviews, people will see it as judgment rather than dialogue.
- If organizations link feedback to promotions, employees will avoid both giving and receiving honest input.
- If leaders don’t model vulnerability, employees won’t take the risk either.
Without psychological safety, feedback won’t work because people are too busy protecting themselves to engage in open dialogue.
Fear of Social Exclusion and Our Need for Belonging
Beyond survival, we strive for acceptance, because throughout history, being excluded from a group could mean isolation—or even death. That instinct is still active today.
When someone gives us negative feedback, it can feel like social rejection [2]. A comment on our performance or behavior can trigger a deeper fear: What if I’m not good enough? What if I lose status? What if I don’t belong?
This is why feedback can feel so personal, even when it isn’t meant that way. The fear of being judged or losing face can lead people to become guarded about receiving feedback —even when they want to improve.
Why Quick Fixes Don’t Work
Many companies try to “fix” feedback solely with surface-level solutions. They roll out new feedback models, train managers and employees in best practices, or tweak performance reviews to include more feedback touchpoints. And it’s not that these actions aren’t important, or don’t have an impact, but if the underlying system remains the same, these efforts will have little lasting impact.
Real change requires overhauling the system.
How We Can Build a lasting Feedback Culture
The first thing that makes a difference, which now should be clear, is recognizing that a feedback culture is something that needs a system that supports it. Steps companies can then take towards that system in no particular order, and by no means exhaustive:
1. Leaders Leading by Example
Not just saying feedback matters—showing it does. Modeling it. Practicing it. (And this means more than sprinkling “I appreciate you” into meetings.)
Leaders need to shift from judgment to observation, from telling people what to fix to hearing their experience, from defensiveness to curiosity.
In terms of communication, changing the consciousness with which feedback conversations are approached from top-down to dialogue. It requires leaders to stop performing competence and start engaging in real dialogue. Embracing vulnerability instead of dreading it. Instead of “You need to work on your ability to meet deadlines,” say, “I realize I said, ‘Just get it done’ about the deadline, and I feel regretful because I want to be more aware of what’s going on for you. I’m worried that what I said might have dismissed your experience. Would you be open to sharing how it impacted you?”.
In short, make feedback a two-way conversation.
Although it might sound simple, the hard part is that no system can compensate for leaders who don’t model the behavior they expect. After all, why would a manager put in the effort if their own boss doesn’t?
Another part relating to leadership is being aware of power dynamics. Feedback doesn’t land the same way depending on who gives it. A CEO’s “casual suggestion” can feel like a mandate, and an employee challenging leadership can feel risky. If only lower-level employees are expected to “be open to feedback,” then it’s not a feedback culture—it’s a power imbalance.
2. Making Feedback a Habitual Practice in Everyday Work
In many places, feedback is a (high-pressure) scheduled event where everyone takes a deep breath towards giving and receiving ‘feedback’ to forget about it shortly after.
But that’s not how habits and meaning are built.
In retrospectives, 1:1s, team check-ins, project debriefs, and meetings, feedback should be woven in daily. Instead of it being a big, heavy conversation, make it constant and low-stakes. If people don’t feel safe discussing small things, they definitely won’t engage in big ones.
Consider having feedback coaches–engaged employees that are trained to support and model effective feedback. Additionally, offer refreshers to people, for example in the form of a bi-yearly training or an e-learning.
Lastly, you can actively investigate your feedback culture by asking questions about it as part of, for example, your Employee Engagement Surveys. Over time you can see whether your initiatives are having an actual impact.
3. Hiring for It, Teaching It, Reinforcing It
Most companies throw “feedback” into their values slide deck and call it a day. But a real feedback culture means embedding it in the entire employee journey—hiring, onboarding, performance conversations, leadership development. New hires should learn from day one: feedback isn’t a once-a-year thing. It’s part of how we work, and it’s fully integrated into everything we do here. Part of this is also being very clear on expectations that you have of people and their roles. If the expectations are vague, then it will also be difficult to explore whether they are meeting them and how.
4. Prioritizing Psychological Safety
People won’t engage in feedback if they think it could cost them their safety—whether that means their status, opportunities, credibility, or relationships. If feedback feels like a risk, people will either stay silent or say only what’s safe, not what their truth is.
Psychological safety means creating a culture where people trust that feedback won’t be used against them, where honesty is valued over appearances, and where it’s okay to be imperfect. A question to ask yourself is: If someone in my team had feedback about me, would they feel safe saying it? If not, you have work to do.
5. Focusing on the Consciousness of Feedback Over the Mechanics
Most feedback training focuses on mechanics—phrasing, frameworks, and delivery. But consciousness matters more than technique. The way we express feedback exists solely to support connection and the natural flow of conversation. Learning how to ‘say it better’ is meaningless if we don’t change our relationship with feedback.
If I believe someone is wrong and should change their behavior to meet my expectations, my feedback—no matter how carefully worded—will still be heard as a demand. It will trigger reactivity, not reflection. True feedback isn’t about perfect phrasing; it’s about shifting our mindset from correction to connection.
6. Expressing Appreciation
Expressing appreciation is seldomly done. Especially in expressing it meaningfully. Most of it is a repetition of what we’ve been taught as children, saying: “good job” or “great work,” often in passing. Meaningful appreciation is specific, authentic, includes a clear observation, and goes into how it impacted you and why. It might sound like:
“I really appreciate your help in structuring the presentation and refining how to deliver the main points. I’m grateful because I value that kind of clarity. Your input strengthened the content and made the entire process much more enjoyable for me.”
This kind of sincere and specific appreciation can give someone real clarity about how their contribution mattered and the impact they had. It can be deeply meaningful to hear.
Conclusion
Training people in feedback skills can be valuable, but it’s not a cure-all. Don’t get me wrong, developing feedback skills is important, but no framework or technique can compensate for a culture that makes feedback feel one-sided or performative. True feedback cultures aren’t built through training alone but through systemic changes that encourage dialogue at every level. When feedback becomes an ongoing, natural part of how we work—not just a skill to be practiced—it transforms from something to endure into something that drives meaningful growth.
Too often, organizations focus on how feedback is expressed while ignoring why people hesitate to engage in it in the first place. While techniques can help, the real challenge isn’t just what to say—it’s the consciousness behind it. Feedback isn’t about fixing people or getting them to comply—it’s about understanding, learning, and exploring how we can contribute more to shared goals. When feedback feels unsafe or like a one-sided evaluation tool, no amount of careful wording will fix it.
Shifting to a true feedback culture means moving from control and correction to dialogue and curiosity. It requires leaders to model what they expect and build psychological safety, and organizations to make feedback a habit, not (half-)yearly events.
This isn’t a quick fix, but when feedback becomes part of how people think, work, and lead, it stops being a struggle and starts feeling natural, and that changes everything.
The way forward isn’t policies or slogans. It’s daily practice, real conversations, and the consciousness with which we engage in them.
Sources:
[1] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.26599/BSA.2019.9050023